How Jesus healed me of Unworthiness, Self- shame & Self – sabotage💜

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I am writing this blog on my new MacBook Pro which I have named, Jireh, lol.

I promised to share this testimony publicly, on not just how I got this system but other stuff, including a pair of studio equipment I have always longed for.

The truth is that satan has tried to make me belittle this testimony with the feelings that others have better and what’s so big about mine?

Do I want to express my poverty to the world on how I couldn’t afford just a MacBook, and so on?

Lol, I guess I am really poor because alone I have nothing but with Jesus I have everything.

THE BEGINNING

It was in March 2021, I dared to ask God for the gift of my Mac and in July 2022, I started praying and working actively towards it.

In August 2022, I did my window shopping and knew exactly what I wanted with the price, my Mum and I promised the vendor to visit the following week for the purchase.

However, disappointments happened and not only couldn’t I get my Mac but I couldn’t get my studio equipment either.

I am a Pastor and I lead a beautiful ministry for young women, Girls in the Woods (GITW), and beyond this, God has given me the prophetic honor of teaching and preaching His Word in practical excellent ways that reach people's spirit, soul, and body.

Almost every time I had to record a video, I got exhausted before starting; setting a table, piling up books, trying to prop the light and my iphone 7+ camera could take me as much as one hour to get right.

I tried to master the format yet it looked like each new episode just did its thing.

After a work filled exhausting 2022, ladened with deep trauma, disappointments, countless tears, and wails; growth, ministry leadership, and preaching, my Abba needed to pamper and heal His broken little daughter, so after our (GITW) last event of the year which held on the 10th of December, I took an entire break for healing, recovery, intimacy, and assurance with Jesus.

A new me emerged and it was in this season God gave me a Word that changed everything.

THE JOURNEY

I sat with sweet Holy Spirit evening and He was giving me the details of our January Event coming up next week, and I got frustrated documenting and strategizing.

Why?

I was using my phone for all the work and it wasn’t so good anymore, my environment wasn’t the best either, let’s just say I was lacking the basic comfort I needed to thrive.

I was also filled with disappointments and longing for the resources I needed; though I had good human resource with GITW, we still needed more hands and structure, however, in material and financial resource, I was lacking so much.

After preparing dinner, I sat with Him in tears.

I love my call, and I love my assignment but the lack of resources was frustrating, it hurt me that the very things I loved to do; ministry, writing, and creativity, I couldn’t enjoy because of the struggle with resources.

Then I heard this scripture clearly, I immediately opened my Bible to it.

“And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:”

‭‭- 2 Corinthians‬ ‭9‬:‭8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

The revelation of this Word got into me, and this is where I would tell you the truth:

For a long time I had a wrong belief system of self-sabotage where I didn’t feel I deserved good things and denied myself the joy of dreaming big and believing huge.

I was always crippled with fear and unworthiness.

I believed God would do it for others but I wasn’t yet worthy or ready for it; this was my mindset for 5+ solid years so even when I saw peers, younger or equal enjoying good stuff, I practiced some self-pity and comforted my soul by telling her that one day she will be blessed too.

My question is; when is one day?

Faith is now and if you can believe for it, you can have it as long as you have the yes affirmation that it is God’s will for you.

I also struggled with knowing God’s will for me, I felt it was God’s will to go through the process of suffering and yet enjoy little. When an exciting thought popped in my heart, I sabotaged it and so for years I suffered abuse, unworthiness, loneliness, self-blame, shame and countless other things.

As a result of these issues, my self-esteem was low and I suffered envy, I envied people with similar calling to mine, I didn’t value my own expression or think it as really valuable, to me, I was just obeying God as I should.

But God doesn’t just want us to obey, He wants us to enjoy obeying.

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I found it hard to delight in my own voice and videos, they had one fault or the other; for the videos, it was mostly the quality.

However, it wasn’t a quality thing, you could have the entire world but if you do not have a healthy self-love and esteem, you would never be happy.

I would always cry and ask sweet Holy Spirit, my Lover and Friend why I dealt with this envy, it was eating me up, I really love people and so I didn’t know why I was dealing with this.

One time He asked me to do a fast that revealed my heart, I wasn’t allowed to think of anyone, good or bad but myself.

It was then I realized that practically all my thoughts were on people, how good they were, how anointed they were, how intelligent, how lovely and so on.

I never thought about me and the beauty of who I am, only about others, it was so bad that I couldn’t keep up the fast, the discipline and fight it required was much and I fell flat on it.

I wasn’t envious in the truth of it, but because I had so much accumulated pain, the devil found room to plant his seed.

It wasn’t a me thing, I needed to shut the devil out by starting to esteem myself as God does and believe for more.

FREEDOM

Much later, sweet Holy Spirit gave me an instruction to watch all my videos, and read the 3 books I have authored.

It was a fight, I begged Him that I didn’t need to watch the videos, the quality wasn’t good so I didn’t like them, actually I was ashamed of myself, I told Him I could read the books but not the videos yet He didn’t budge.

Watching to video sermons is one of my top favorite things to do; without a blink, I would choose it over a movie, yet how do I enjoy others except myself?

Who did this to me?

I know who, satan of course!

The devil’s aim is to rip us off our destiny by giving us thoughts; fact-full and fiction that are not from God, and the more we give in to those ideas, the deeper the pit we sink into!

So, since Abba wouldn’t move on His instruction, I obeyed; bit by bit, I watched and as I kept at it, I started to see me.

God is El-roi, the God who sees us and we are made in His image so we can see ourselves and others but many of us don’t see ourselves.

That evening, I stepped into El-Roi and I saw me; beautiful, anointed, gifted and full of sweet fragrance.

As I listened and watched, self-affirmations rose from within my spirit; loudly and with joy, I kept saying, “I am Good! So good, so so good!’

I hailed myself so much and it dawned on me the ministry gift God has given me and I journaled these words:

• I have a gift of teaching God’s Word gently & easily; with clarity, simplicity & much power.

MY TESTIMONY

Now I have the resources I need; our human resource with the ministry, GITW is way better, the material resource is here too.

I don’t have it all yet but soon I will because He makes all grace abound towards us so we can be inventive, effective and excellent for His Kingdom.

I am now enjoying my healing.

I am more joyful, expectant and hopeful than ever.

I cannot be moved by disappointments and trauma anymore, and this doesn’t mean I won’t hurt but it means I would quickly get up because I have anchored myself in His Nature; that my God and Savior, Jesus Christ is Good.

I named my Mac Jireh because truly my heavenly Father has proved over and over to be my best and absolute provider!

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Thank you for reading❤️

For the females here, I am looking forward to GITW’s Accessing your Power, Girl virtual event coming up in next week; Wednesday 25th – Saturday 28th January.

This is my personal invite to you, the experience is going to be Revolutionary & you can join us live on the Youtube Premiere.

We have also designed a resource-packed workbook & journal guide which would be yours at no cost if you join our community here:

https://linktr.ee/girlsinthewoods_

I prophesy that your soul would find rest, comfort, answers and provision in the Holy Spirit.

In Jesus Name,

Amen!